A Father's Love
By Carlos Treviño, #999235
How am I supposed to live everyday?,
If my children are far away?
Every night my heart cries,
And a part of me dies!
I wish you were near,
But I stay living in fear!
As y'all stay far away,
I only wish to pass away!
How I wish to see y'all's smiles,
But my heart is being torn apart by the miles!
My tears fall like rain,
Because of my sorrow and pain!
Will there ever be a day?
When we will sing and play?
Sunshine and Rain
By Carlos Treviño, #999235
You are my sunshine
You ensure me everything will be fine.
You are my morning sun,
Promising me a day of fun
You are my sunshine of loving pleasure,
You give me love with endless measure!
You are my rain,
You bring me loving pain.
You are my storming night,
Promising me a night of fright!
Your rain drops are sadness to my heart,
With all the sorrow between us, we'll never part.
You are my sunshine and rain
You are my pleasure and pain.
No Love In Sight
By Carlos Treviño, #999235
Many nights I cry myself to sleep
Wishing someone would say; I was there to keep
I know it's impossible because I'm behind bars
And everyone is so far.
But to hear such lovely words
Would be like sweet singing birds!
I've looked for loving words far and near,
But no one seems to listen nor hear?
Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I cry,
When I feel like this I only wish to die!
Being on death row, without love in sight
It's a painful and horrible feeling inside, with an endless fright!
Will there ever be love within sight?
Yesterday was one of those days.
Where I became a part of my cell.
Blending in with my white wall and bed.
Wearing all white clothing.
I didn't talk.
I didn't eat nor get up from my bed.
And for the millionth time life flashes before my eyes.
As I laid on my bed, I wondered as to the person I was.
( which is another story ) And the person I am today.
I have changed so much.
I find it hard to believe who I was then....
But there are some things I can't change.
And I am not sure if I am wrong or not (?)
But it is a part of who I am.
Growing up in life, having nothing because you're poor.
You start from the lowest part of life.
The bottom of the barrel.
Where you don't know if you'll eat today or if you'll be alive tomorrow.
Where the word "Nothing" gives more meaning and understanding in your life ...
When a person discovers and finds love. It becomes everything in your life.
It's all you have. It's the only thing you proudly own with all your heart.
I am not just talking about a love between two lovers. But a love you have for a sister, brother, mother, father, or friendship.
What do you think will happen if someone would try to come between that love or try to take that love away from you ?
That person would fight with every drop of blood to keep the "only" thing they have in life; Love ... (This is a factor among the poor communities). In here it is the very same thing.
Over the years on DR ...
I have seen people write as a curiosity. Some write for mind games only, and some write with the voice of an angel. With the heart and soul of an angel. With the purest love one can find, and not just beautiful words.
But when beautiful words have actions behind them, it will make a person's heart beat strong against the worst. That comes from being in here and being on death row.
You stand up and smile when it seems that the world is against you, and death is knocking at your door.
I once felt this way...But a lot of times people in the free world come to the reality of "Death Row".
Some can't handle the reality of us being killed some time down the dark future. So they back off, and eventually walk out of your life without a word.
I can honestly understand. They are moving on with life with happier times (?).
But I am only human.
In my heart, I can't help but feel a razor blade run slowly across my heart.
Giving me similar wounds, as people gave Jesus Christ. (Matthew 27:30)
As I can feel my blood slowly dripping into my lungs, I can't breathe.
I am suffocating...Some people who have had these wounds will run and hide. Some for weeks, months, and even years. Coming back only when they are healed.
Others just walk around with broken wings, becoming zombies. Lost, and simply just breathing...
Others suffocate, taking their own lives...Losing the only person that loves you in here is the worst thing that can happen.
What else do we have?
A life that is barely ours ? In prison, under death row?
What is air, when it has no value ? Many of you reading this may understand in a lot of ways. Many who wish to have a better understanding, let me paint a picture...
Imagine if you had cancer, and you were towards the final days of your life.
How would you feel if that one person who you love, and means the world to you, just walked out of your life?
In your final days ? How would you feel?
As for us/me ? Does it really matter if we become zombies or suffocate ? Or will anyone care?
Or is everything just lost?
(December 2005 )
I have been thrown in hell
They call it a cell!
In the first few months, I went into confusion.
In the first few years, I went into delusions.
There is neither comfort nor someone who shows they care.
There is only concrete and steel to bear, for there is no one to show they are there.
There are only people who love to tie you down, to watch you die.
So they can get their kicks and their high!
I have kicked and screamed, I have cried a stream.
And I still wake up in broken dreams.
Welcome to my show on death row.
He is 34 years old and on death row. It will probably be the last year of his life. But he is o.k. with it (as if he has another choice). He?s been in a hell hole prison. He has come to hate everything prison has to offer him. Being under a life sentence would only drive him crazier!
Because he knows never will he see the light of day. Being executed is a way out of his misery. How do I know? For I am he. How did I become so negative? Or am I being negative? Is this life? No! Is this living? No! What is in here for me or anyone? ?Nothing!? I have been in prison nearly 15 years out of my life. (Nothing to be proud of). I have seen everything there is to see in here. Not in Administrative Segregation (Ad.-Seg.) and much less on D.R. In Ad.-Seg. We are also locked down for 23 hours a day. We have no help at all. There is no opportunity for rehabilitation. We have no vocational, educational, nor substance abuse programs. I talk about Ad.-Seg. 'cause if I were to get a life sentence, (God willing not) I would go to Ad.-Seg. 'cause of my past childish behavior. How are we to learn when there is no one here to teach us, when they have no clue in how to understand us? What are we left with? We are isolated.
It has, and will, take the sanity of prisoners. It will mentally and emotionally tear us apart. I am near being broken into so many places. Why? Because I see reality and there is no escaping these walls! Your fight starts in darkness. You are seeking for light in this darkness. Then you realize there is no light. Fear kicks in leaving no room for any kind of beauty. Why? Because in this darkness you are fighting yourself, you are fighting not to lose yourself, because if you lose yourself you are no longer you. The weight of these walls will cave in on you sooner or later. Day in and day out you will walk a million miles never leaving your cell.
Soon you start forgetting who you are and who you were. Soon you hear other prisoners and guards talking about you, wanting to harm or kill you (never knowing it?s all in your mind). Now you?re surrounded by enemies. Soon you?re wondering why people are yelling and screaming. Never knowing it?s coming from your own voice. By the time prison staff realizes (if they ever do) there is something wrong with you, you?ll be too far gone. So the best thing for prison staff to do is give you medication which turns you into a zombie. Once you become a zombie you are forever lost.
How do I know this? I have had the unfortunate luck of watching friends and men lose their sanity with my own eyes! ?No!? I don?t wish to die, nor be executed. But I refuse to live like an animal, in this situation and place. My future is not beclouded, I have no future! Sometimes loneliness and sadness seem to be my only loyal emotions. Sometimes I feed off anger. I wish I could feed off dreams. But without a future, there are no dreams, only fantasies. Is this life? No! Am I being negative? Or am I seeing reality? What has kept me going?
My children. I wish to know how they turn out in life. Pray fully nowhere near a cell! As for my family? That?s a joke! It?s funny how you can grow up with people who say they love you. Yet never write you at least one letter. In here if you have no family and friends to help out, you have nothing! Texas only gives you a cell, old used clothes, 5 little pieces of soap, and a few spoons of food (yuk!). And you?re on your own.
Gary Chapman PH. D. quoted in his book ?The Five Love Languages?. Psychologists have concluded that the need of love is a primary human emotional need. Something in our human nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruellest of punishments. At the heart of mankind?s existence is the desire to be loved by another (ungulate). There is no love in here and this is no life and no living. Sometimes I don?t even know if I am existing. A few have spoken of this ?Love?. But where are ya?ll now? Nowhere near this fight in darkness. Does anyone care? Or is there anyone listening?
Carlos Treviño 999235, Texas D.R.