Living or Dying

I wish to share my views of every day life on DR. Having been on DR has put me through many different emotions, some I would know how to explain. 

Some days, I do absolutely nothing, but stare at the walls. (Here in Texas DR, we are in our cells for 23 hours a day.) On other days, I'm active, talking & trying to escape this cell for a few hours. Some days I am last as a child, not knowing what to do. I will be in a dark mood one day & the very next day I will be bright & full of life (?). My thoughts will be too positive one day & the next day my thoughts will just be confusing.... I will write what I am feeling at that present time. One day I will see & feel a certain way about something & the following day I will disagree with everything I was seeing & feeling the day before. But every stage of emotion that continue falling on me, I will try to capture my thoughts & feelings in words.

I have been thinking about doing this for over a year now. But too many things had been happening in my life & mind. But now that I have about a year to go (give or take, which God keeps surprising me.), I feel the need to do this. And thanks to you this will be possible. I just hope & pray my voice reaches the right ears & that my experience opens the eyes of the Blind...

(February 2004)

Little Angel

I often have the same dream, but this is a nightmare, which I find weird, cause never in my life have I had the same dream much less a nightmare. I have been having this nightmare for about 2 years now... I am in a cold room. I am sitting on the floor with my back against the wall. My legs are stretched out in front of me. Both of my legs are shackled to the floor with no room to move. My arms are to the side, restrained to the floor with handcuffs with no room to move. There is something around my neck that gives me very little room to move. It is totally dark, there is no windows. By what I can tell the room is made of stone. I can't see anything. I don't know how I got here or why I am here.

I am scared, I don't know what is going on. I am sitting in darkness trying to listen for something. My heart starts jumping. I can feel a presence & I know it's an evil person. In my mind it's a he, but I don't see anything. But then I hear him breathing in front of me, moving closer. In my mind this person wants to kill me, but I am not sure. (This was my thought the first time I dreamed of this) I don't say anything but try hard to see who this person is, but nothing. Then I hear this person standing in front of me. Then he touches my toe & pain, shoots through me. I gets colder & I start sweating. My heart is now racing & I am trying to move & this thing around my neck tightens & I can't breath but yet I am breathing. I can't yell or anything. This pain is sometimes a lot of stabbing against my legs (the size of a pencil) I can't see it, but I sure feel it.) working the way up my body. (Sometimes this pain is a knife cut, just slicing me up.) My view is blinded by water my eyes are pouring because of the pain. I try moving but the shackles & handcuffs are now cutting into my skin drawing blood. I it feel running down my legs. I try to yell hoping I could do it. But somehow this thing around my neck reads my mind & gets tighter around my neck & all I can do is make a sucking noise for air. I close my eyes definitely knowing I am here to die. As this pain moves up my waist & up my chest it never goes up my neck. As my eyes are closed waiting for death, it doesn't happen. 

In a realization thought, my eyes fly open: "Torture", within my heart, I know this will be a long torture! ( Every time after the first dream, I would already know I was to be tortured.) I am scared, I am desperately gasping for air, pain is running in & out of my body, I am cold & sweating, my mind is yelling! ( sometimes I wake up at this point or sooner. I am sweating ( for real & my heart is pounding. I then have a hard time going back to sleep or don't sleep at all, but stare into darkness thinking about a future I don't have.) Then it happens, a soft glow of candle appears. I don't know where it comes from but everything loosens up, but it's still there. Then the light get's brighter as the morning sunrise & the torturing stops. I never see this person torturing me. I search this light & I get very sleepy. I feel no pain or anything, just sleepiness. In this light, I see the face of a little girl but not fully detailed. She is maybe 3 or 4 years old. I ask her name but she only smiles. I ask who she is, & nothing. She is glowing like an angel. I know who she is. She walks over to me with a beautiful smile ( In my mind I am crying. I know who she is. She is my little sister who died when I was 3 or 4 years old. She was 3 months & 14 days old.) & touches my head & I fall into a deep sleep. I don't dream of anything. I just sleep for the rest of the night. 

When I awake, I lay in bed & think about why couldn't my sister answer my questions? Why does she come to me in my time of need. Why don't I ever dream of her in any other dream? Why doesn't she ever say anything? Why am I still tied down while she is there? Why do I fall asleep?  So many questions & not an answer in sight. Is this God's way of helping me out? Is it real or is it just a dream or is it just in my head? I don't know but I do know all this in someway deals with being in DR. My dreams are not always in this manner but basically is how it happens. If anyone knows or understands this, please do explain this to me. But to my little Angel sister smiling from heaven. Thank you....

Carlos Treviño #999235

Why Do Christians Murder?

Jesus Christ was a child. Herod tried killing Jesus Christ.

But God sent an Angel to protect Jesus Christ. (Matthew 2:13) God could have easily killed Herod & the enemies of Jesus Christ. When Pau1 was Saul. Sau1 was a murderer. Saul killed the followers of Jesus Christ. Even though Saul never lifted a stone, he was in agreement to kill Stephen (Acts 7:54-60 & 8:1) Jesus Christ knew of Saul & those who wanted all the followers of Jesu8 Christ dead. At any time Jesus Christ could of kil1ed Saul & those who opposed HIM. But instead Jesus Christ used Saul/Paul.

(Acts 9:5-6)

In our word/Bible, No where does it say Jesus Christ executed or was in favor for execution/Death Penalty. So, why are so many Brothers & Sisters for the Death Penalty today? What was & is Jesus Christ teachings? What is the Ways of Jesus Christ?

To say you are a Christian, means to be Christ-like. It means to follow under Jesus Christ teachings, in The New Testament. (John 3:16) The old Testament is there to give us a lot of teachings, but as Christians, we are under the New Testament.

Many Brothers & Sisters say it is right to execute, “An eye for an eye.” “Yes,” it does say  that in the Old Testament. (Exodus 21:24; Leviticus 24:20;  Deuteronomy 19:21) But what does Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ say about this?  “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye most be put out for an eye. A tooth most be knocked out for a tooth. ' But here is what I (Jesus Christ) tell you. Do not fight against an evil person. “Suppose someone hits you on your right cheek. Turn your other cheek also”. (Matthew 5: 38-39) Jesus Christ says to not fight against evil. Meaning if you give in to this fight, you become evil. Jesus Christ goes further to say “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor. [Leviticus 19:18] Hate your enemy’. But here is what I (Jesus Christ) tell you. Love your enemies. Pray for those who hurt you. Then will you be children of your Father who is in Heaven”. (Matthew 5;43-45; Romans 12:14 & 17-21; Peter 3:9-12)

What does it mean to be in favor of the Death Penalty? It means What does Jesus Christ says about JUDGMENT? “Do not judge others. Then you will not be judged. You will be measured in the same way you measure others”. (Matthew 7:1-2; Luke 6;37; Romans 2:1) Being judged means you have became a murder. Even though you will not put a needle in my/our arms. Have me/us killed. Wanting us dead.

Which is murder.  To have it in your heart to have me/us killed/murdered is not of “LOVE”. It’s an act of Satan/evil-hate. Having “HATE” in your heart, makes you a murderer. And there is no eternal life in your heart.(1 John 3:15) God goes further to say. “Those who say they love God but in fact hate a Brother or Sister are liars. They don’t love a brother or sister, whom they have seen. So they can’t love God, whom they have not seen”. “Here is the command God has given us. Those . (l John 4:11-21)

Brothers and Sisters, I know that it is easier to say you are a Christian, than to live it. Through out the word/Bible. Jesus Christ teaches us about love, peace, joy & forgiveness in many different ways. But Jesus Christ stresses out in loving each other, as HE loves us. And how the Holy Spirit will show us to love. (There is numerous scriptures but here are a few.) Matthew 5:44; Luke 6:27; John 13:34 & 15:12; Ephesians 5:1-2; Hebrew 13;1; 1John 4:7; Jude 21; Galatians 5:22. 1Thessalonians 3:12) So don’t let the Devil mislead you in believing that Jesus Christ want you to be a murder, by being in favor of the death Penalty. God says. "I am the ONE who judges people. I will pay them back”.

Says the Lord. (Romans 12:19:21; Hebrews 10:29-30)

Brothers & Sisters, I don’t write this with my own words. I write this with HIS words. I don’t write this to get praise or so people can write me and ask me for my forgiveness. I am but a CHILD OF JESUS CHRIST. You don’t owe me nothing. It is not me that you will have to explain yourself. It’s Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ you will have to answer on Judgment day. All sin leads to Death!

There is no bigger sin or smaller sin. Sin is all the same. They

(On a personal note)

If the Death Penalty was the answer, no more murders would occur. If we would go by “an eye for an eye”. Half of us would only have one eye or be blind...

If you believe different as to Gods word. I would like to hear from you with an explanation as to why you believe different.

“Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t snap back at those who say unkind things about you. Instead, pray for Gods help for them, for we are to be kind to others and God will bless us for it. If you want a happy, good life, keep control of your tongue and guard your lips from telling lies. Turn away from evil and do good. Try to live in peace even if you must run after it to catch and hold it! For the Lord is watching His children, listening to their prayers; but the Lord’s face is hard against these who do evil.”

1Peter 3:9-12 TLB

7-Reasons to Forgive:

1. Because God says to forgive.

 2.Your faith won’t work if you don't.

 3.Unforgiveness is spiritual filth on the inner Man/woman.

4.Unforgiveness causes torture in your life. 

5.You can't love without unforgiveness in your heart.

6.Unforgiveness blocks your relationship with God.

7.Unforgiveness opens the door

"He that is without sin among you, let him first cast the stone at her" - John 8:1-11 KJV...

Love & Blessings,  Carlos

 (January 2005)

Matthew 25:31-46

Scary

In my opinion, the scariest thing in the world is not being on Death row. For a year now, I have placed a few articles on a website site. October 2004, I placed an ad for pen-pals. It has been 6 months now, and that realization brought chills threw my heart.

Why? Only one person has written me. I know that a million of people surf the web. Out of that, 99% would rather see me die than to share a moment of my life. I thought being on death row was scary. Do people really carry that much hate?

For those who don?t understand what it is like to be on death row, let me try to form an idea in ya'll?s minds. If you were to get a large jar, and put a very ugly hungry spider in there, then put a very beautiful butterfly in there, then close the jar with the lid. What do you think will happen? The spider (Executioner) will try to catch, kill and eat the butterfly. Once the Butterfly (ME) sees the spider, the Butterfly will get tired...

Today, I am very tired. I am extremely lonely, I am very sad, as well as depressed.

Not long ago someone promised me words of love and to stand by me. Yet, here I am lost. Here I am fighting for my life. When someone stands by you, it makes the difference of the world. My world, our world. My spirits are soaring toward heaven, believing I am tasting heaven. Then I am shot down like a dying bird. Or was I already dead? The story of my life. People walking out of my life. Is it my fate to die alone? Am I am idiot for believing the words of love people speak to me? Or am I dumb to believe that sameone can love me and stand by me? I don?t know? Or am I just stupid for believing. But I do know that my wings are getting tired. From this point of view, death seems to be much sweeter. The more I think about it, the more I welcome the thought. Sometimes I wish I could run to the execution chamber and get rid of the loneliness I feel?to get rid of the sadness that blocks the light that is supposed to be in here?to get rid of the rain that is taking my life. Sometimes I think it?s my emotional sadness that will end ME. I have been dropping tears as if it were raining in here. I know soon I'll drown in my own tears. It hurts like crazy when people let you down, and walk out of your life. I am losing the little hope that I try hard holding on to, and I am now losing my faith in God. It is easy for someone to say they love and care for you. But it doesn?t mean much when they don?t reach out to the heart that is crying and bleeding to death. When a person stops dreaming they stop living. 

So am I already dead for having my dreams taken away from me, or for simply having stopped dreaming? I don?t disrespect anyone, so why do I find myself alone? The Bible tells us that angels walk amongst us.  (Hebrews 13:2) I know how to live with my mistakes, and have regrets as company. But how do I live, when an angel walks out of my life, or never walks into my life? Is it so wrong to want someone to walk beside me with a love that will see me through my situation, and not walk out of my life?leaving me to die alone. Or is that my destiny, since my father walked out of my life before I was born. Lord help me, for I know not what to do. If you are reading this, pray for me. My wings are very heavy...

Love & Blessings, Carlos

(March 2005)

Some More of My Thoughts...

When dealing with your heart, when you have your heart broken very bad. Your heart becomes rare to giving it away. You give second thoughts to everything you do concerning your heart. And is why it means even more, when you do give your heart away again....

Carlos Treviño

(August 2006)

Hi Mommy!

Hi mommy! Today is a glorious day. God has created me. He sent me from heaven to be with you. Are you happy like I am mommy? Being here today has filled my heart with love! It?s a warm wonderful feeling being here with you today mommy! I love you!

Hi mommy! Why are you sad mommy? You should be excited like me! My feet and hands are beginning to grow out! Aren?t you happy mommy? It won?t be long till I will be able to touch your soft skin and hug you all day long mommy. I love you!

?I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME HERE AGAIN!?

?BUT IT?S YOUR BABY!?

?I DON?T CARE?

?BUT YOU SAID THAT YOU LOVED ME!?

?I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR THAT BABY! ALL I WANTED WAS SEX! NOW LEAVE ME AND NEVER COME BACK!?

Hi mommy! Why were you and dad fighting? Why are you crying mommy? Please don?t cry mommy. Look mommy, my feet and hands are almost formed. So  I will make you happy mommy, and you don?t have to cry anymore. We will be together. I will run and play with you. I will give you butterfly kisses, and we will be happy. Please don?t cry, I love you!

Hi mommy! You are up early today. Where are we going today? Look mommy, I can barely wiggle my toe and fingers! I love them mommy! It?s a beautiful day mommy. The sun is so wonderful, the birds are singing. It?s wonderful. What is this place? Why are going to sleep mommy? Don?t go to sleep. Lets go back outside. What?s going on? What is that? Owww that hurts! MOMMY WAKE UP! OOOWWW!!! HELP ME MOMMY! OOOOWWWWW WAKE UP MOMMY! HELP ME!! MOMMMYYYYAAAAAAAAAA???

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If you are thinking about having an abortion, please know that it is not the only option you have. Give the child a chance at life. Put the child up for adoption. No matter what you?re thinking, there is no good reason, or reason enough to have an abortion. Please put the child up for adoption. My life wasn?t roses, nor easy, but I give thanks to God and my mother for giving me LIFE! Please give the child a chance at life.

Love and Blessings,

Carlos Treviño

2007.

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